I Am As Good As Gone

This despair inside of me
I don’t know why it came so late
I am as good as gone
And no one, it seems; could stop it now!

I fear that worst is yet to come
And all the pain that I could only dread
They are now in-the-flesh to greet me so cold!
Nobody could hear of my plight and my woes
As when terror is your life that you’ve put on hold

All escapes are merely delaying the doom inevitable
As now the fire is consuming you whole
Your struggle is useless; you’re useless to the core!
And there’s nothing you could do, to change and undo it!

Yes, I know it now, that I am as good as gone
But withering as I stood would that fits my fate?
Why couldn’t I wait for the starry hours to come?
Is that so bad? Am I really so dead?!

Damn you all, damn you me!
Why must this poison now marinade me?
Is my life just a pool of caustic acid?
I’m not standing still for all of this
This is not how I would end, this is not my eternity!

Die! Just die you, fool!
It’s hard to talk to you when all that you want is to silence me!
You’ve maimed yourself, you’ve put it all in flames
Yet all that you got you put it on me!

But now it’s time for me to forsake you
No longer will I stay to put up with your face
Just die you now and die again
Then die again for all of your time!
I’m not in here for you and me
I’m not in this, this hell no more!

Now hear me good and hear me well!
For your life is but forever a spiral of pain
I curse your sight from the bottom of my heart
And may God damn you for all of your days!

Hah! And to think that all that came out from me
It’s a wonder why I never ever see the light!
So now I’m hollow both inside and outside
And hollow and damned will I be forever…

And thus I leave with no more contempt
For I’ve left myself long before I die
And to God may my death be swift and be good
So as to no one be knowing of it!

THE END

SAIFUL NIZAM SHUKOR
KL 2006

A Walk On The Darkside

I’m walking in darkness
In shadows strong and wide
Of streets left unnamed
And of lights left unchecked

I walk with the winds cold and unharnessed
I walk with the face wet but no tears
I walk with a mind that glowed like the dawn
Yet I walk with a heart light but no joy

So subtle I chew on facts of my life
As the nameless road roared in the distance
Carrying old news of cars aplenty
And of noises of drivers alack of sympathy

So this is me and me again
Travelling this path I’ve walked on before
Through darkness and light, in mirth and in mourn
The one who is lost and kept on losing...

I’m walking in darkness, and I’ll keep on walking
Through strife and fire and hate and tears
Though roads may end and life may vanish
My will, my spirit shall wander on

For the land where the sun no longer shines
For a friend whose heart still smiles for me

SAIF MINTAKA
MUAR
2004

The Twilight's Ponder II: Going Back Home

The fading eve had replaced the noon
Biding its time for the twilight’s sigh
Slowly as the sun now crawled to his bed
Leaving the moon to play with his light

So still and so cold on my spot all-alone
Beholding the sky as empty as my heart
Where clouds were just veils so thick and so white
Enshrouding the sky and the earth for a moment

And here on my perch a lonely hill
I saw how the trees now danced with the mists
As the clouds now glowed in a shade of blue
Gracing the sky like living wet paint

I sighed again for the umpteenth time
Helplessly within this nostalgic shade
A fleeting reminisce of times long past
And the fact that I’m now no longer so young…

So now I began my journey for home
Down through the hills, the trees and the mists
Back to the house on the corner of destiny
Back to my life or what’s left of it…

Good Night.

SAIF MINTAKA
2004

Dances Of The Heart

Pitter-patter, drops of water
Of wetness and moisture on zinc and concrete
Of vessels that come and go without end
Of people and places and things to do

Pitter-patter, from my shelter
They fall on me amidst this chaos
Melodious yet silent like dances of the heart
A pensive distraction for a helpless withdrawal

Though things may not see much of themselves
A madrigal, a lark is all I discovered
Of defeated parley of warring emptiness
And of smiles aplenty beneath all predicaments

So muse all you want or mope all you will
When the clock strike twelve you will cry in your daze
Relenting like haze that collects in a mirth
While the truth will be there like it has always been-
‘Two steps between a smile and a temper
Three steps behind the glint of all tears’!

Well then I guess…
Maybe life is not exactly like…
What we came to know after all, eh?

SAIF ADLI
KL
2004

Tears Of Tomorrow

It’s hard to think that I’m here again
This lonely place in the world non-existing
Biding my time for the next conundrum
Carrying old news of nothing aplenty

So lost and deceived had been my life
The name so gold now festers in mirth
And the sunset pour is making it worse
Till comes a time I know me no more…

So vagrant am I within this rain
Homeward bound to places no more
Feeling of joy for things I found false
And yet this weak heart still begs me to go on

And as the dormant streetlights now be lit
I feel no more the pain of this walk
And brightly I see the faces around me
Yet none could know, or knew of my fate

So may there be a never goodbye
For this red soul of poetic injustice
From each his step from here till forever
From each his tears for a better tomorrow…

SAIF MINTAKA
KL
2004

My Name In Fire

What is there to colour the sky with?
What is there to colour the earth with?
Is there anything left from where I’m standing?
Any colours left to rejuvenate my senses?

Sickened am I with the black white and grey of this world
Sickened am I to see all my gardens grey and kept on greying
Sickened am I to know that I’m the only one who cares for these
While the rest of humanity is better off not breathing!

“Patience,” suddenly I heard this voice
“Listen to me when mankind had lost their ears,” he said
“Give me your trust when everyone is a wolf to everyone else,” he said again
“But have faith in Him when humanity and robots resemble each other!”

“You still have the colours within you my friend!” that voice continued
“Use it to colour your life before you yourself turns grey,” it resounded
“Make a masterpiece out of your life today and make it good,”
“For the world has gone selfish and money is beauty not art!”

“But why does it feels so wrong?” I answered back
“Why do I feel like I’ve died years ago and yet I breathe still?” I asked him
“Am I really ready for all this?” I kept on asking
And sure enough, that voice was heard no more

And doomed I am
In asking questions that should not be mentioned
Yet still I walk the earth with a very light heart
When will all this ends? When can I smile again?

Maybe the perfect day has passed me by…

SAIF MINTAKA
2004

I Am A Silent Traveler

I am a silent traveler
I’ve nothing to say but a lot in my heart
I may have seen much but still I would question
And the more I question the more I’m a fool
Who’ve seen so much yet knows so little

But little too late for little regrets
I thrust my shadows in places I should not
As I listen for words so sharp yet so wrong
That should have been me who died so long
And long had since I have tasted so gold
Now gold is for me for now but not ever
As I scour the past for paths for the future

So now who dies for blames of a pence?
Are you the one who judges me still?
So why are your mirrors so dark yet so lucid?
Yet merry when I had passed it no more?

So rue all you want for I'm in it no more
No shot in the dark for pieces of flies
No pain for all sales but sliced of all strikes
No paean so merry for those who can’t sing

So perhaps I should’ve walked at times I should’ve flown
But paid in black silver my pining has merits?
Of teeth much darkened false shadows in waking?
Or should I just die and smite it again?

Hell, who cares for I’m in it no more!
This mortal coil of anger management
Is biting the hands that slew me in my sleep
Firing all justice for where are they in need
As I slink away into the agony
Of shadows unknown and fates left uncured

And may there be a never good riddance
For I shall be here in this road of memory
Walking away to find my first penny
Flitting through songs that nobody cared

So get lost you now and let me now pass
For I may never pass you again!

NOBODY
NOWHERE
NOTHING

Innocence

Here is my song, of fading innocence
In golden June of old long since
On darkened path of withered leaves
Of flickering candlelight my lost and dark soul

And through graying scenes of old and long since
I saw yet her face so strong once again
And the memories so cruel I thought I had lost
They would greet me again and flood this small heart…

Oh still how I yearned the touch of all fondness
Sweetly in scent and bereft of all pain
But such a lost child so young in my world
To what I had felt I locked all inside!

And thus these regrets, the coldest of sadness
They tainted my life through passing of days…
For when she was gone she never but knew
How this great fire burns me no more…

But should ever I see lovers holding each hand
And speak of their love without much care
I’d wonder again how my life would be
If things were so different and fate hadn’t swayed

For should it be so
Then we’d be one together
In days and in nights embraced by our love
And my darkened heart would come back to life
Like the glorious great sun across the blue sky

But I know it so strong that I must move on
To go out my way and leave my sad past
And though I now find my path all but dark
And lost all the will to live and let live

My dear weak heart still beats and so yearns
The start of a life afresh and anew
And though I would fall and fall yet again
I know it’s my life I know it’s my fate

So pray for me now and pray to Him good
To give this sad mind a peaceful respite
To give me some faith to light up my heart
And to give me some hope to ease my last breath…

SAIF ADLI
MUAR
2006

Laments

Gazing am I the westbound twilight
Cradled so cruel the faceless cold winds
I softly caress the light on my face
As darkness it comes to take me away

Forsooth I’ve pursued the dust of all hope
For much too long a time in this pain
And turned I’ve been from and sent out my way
By those whose bereft of good eyes and good ears

And thus this cold path so dark had I walked
Throughout my sweet past, my golden skies
But now there is nothing to tell me of me
And with each of my breath I’m closer to fading!

So what is now left to give on my part?
My countless of days of lies and of heartache?
For they have but passed and left me so hollow
And petrified my heart in pain and in sorrow

But still desolation trails in my wake
And all of my saviours alas forsake me
As past of regrets and shame confined me
And sources of my strength had left me for gone

But even with these would I still press on?
With or without all hopes and all smiles?
For indeed giving up is still beyond me
And to me I would say, I will not submit!

Gazing and forlorn the fading of twilight
Underneath the storm the sky of the night
All of the pieces, of my dead, dead life
Comes to me at last to take me for home…

SAIFUL NIZAM SHUKOR
MUAR
2006

A Mother's Lullaby

Sleep o my child, sleep and be good
Don’t you worry the world so forlorn
Sleep o my child, sleep and let go
Close your sweet eyes from light of this world

Hush, don’t look back, go and be strong
Make me so proud give me some peace
Please, no more tears, cease all your cries
For you have but cried all of your life

Yes I know Life, the life that you had
Were much too cruel from start to the end
But now in His arms, The One With All Cares
You will find all your smiles, your joys and much more

Sleep o my child, sleep and be good
Far from your troubles, your worries and woes
Go now my child, spread your great wings
Find your lost love, your place in the light

Yes o my love, for yesterday’s gone
A picture of strife and sorrowful scenes
But now you are free, tonight and forever
Free from this pain, free from this world

Forsooth for in life, you never did find
The light of all guidance, the light of your life
And now in your death, you’ve left this dark world
So bright and so fair, your face like the sun

Sleep my love, sleep, don’t you look back
Dry your warm tears for me one last time
There, don’t be scared, for I shall be close
Rest in peace now, fly and away…

SAIF MINTAKA
2006

Paintings Of My Mind

Imagine if you will, a family photo
A husband a wife, two sons two daughters
A gathering of smiles in a park so green
Taken at a point when their time began

Then one day, the youngest departs
Rammed in an accident, the day she turned three
The doctors just sighed; she died on the way
And the worst was the fact, her father couldn’t see it!

Yet the family are one, the photo showed strength
Though trails of tears had left their eyes
They held each other so strongly so closely
But alas the five is now a four…

School day blues of the firstborn son
For the death of a cat, his tests were red
The father was hurt, but the boy hurts more
And because of a book, the son ran away

They’ve searched for him so high and so low
Yet forever they would lose, his cheerful laughter
And the smile of one who knew only the light
For a moment of anger, a lifetime of pain!

Still the years would pass, the family moved on
The second was eighteen, a college-bound girl
But the third was a waste, a victim of sorrow
He grew up in darkness, in hate and in drugs

But then a tragedy befalls them again
For though she was smart, her lover was not
A lowly, unemployed, sensitive and jealous
He made her life so wretched ‘til death!

Though now he’s hanged for what he had done
The memory of it was too much for her mother
And the fact that her son is one foot in the grave
She surrenders her fight, bedridded and grieving…

So now the photo is dark and so bleak
Of forlorn old man and his sickly old wife
And a son that is now neither here nor there
As they stood on their ground on a graveyard of dreams

And looking back in grief, the father mulled regret
Of how he had failed, to care and to lead
When all that he did was a pain to his family
He’d forgo all heaven for a chance to restart!

He held her hands as she frailly stood
While counting the days before her death
Watching as her son struggled in darkness
A withering shadow of a certain doom

Finally he vanished, on the eve of his birthday
Followed by his mother a day afterwards
He wails at the fact that he’s now alone
But still he stood in the photograph of woe

And now he himself is begining to fade
But still he feels the presence of his lost
Of his innocent child blowing her candles
Smiling as her brother strokes his cat

He mourns at his daughter as she gets her scroll
Kissing her mother like she always did
While her brother’s triumphant, his football trophy
Laughing and smiling amidst his teammates

For a moment the images of all his beloved
Appear around him in smiles and in laughter
Kissing his cheeks so warm and so tender
A surreal portent of a miracle to come

Finally his departed magically appeared
Smiling and standing around and together
Posing as a family that they should have been
Merrily as he thanked his God in his tears

And so the story now comes to an end
As the ethereal family now vanish from view
To live in a place beyond all reason
And to be in happiness for all eternity

And thus you have seen the paintings of my mind
The hymns in flames on the plain so gold
Of gracing skies of life for all times
And of fortitude of souls outweighing all fate...

SAIF MINTAKA
MUAR
2006

Twilight Of My Youth

Sad,
If one would think about it
How would all the days in the sun, in all their warmth and glory
Be fleeting in nature and little in nurture
And how the memory of it would further blinds us to the fact that
They are gone long before we realised it!

Yes, it all comes back to me, on the twilight of my youth
The one moment in time when, I realised, albeit a bit too late
That all those smiles and all those faces I’ve seen,
All the glorious days of the past ten years
Now stare at me through pages and pages
Of yellowing, black and white photos

Sad, or so it seems
That pretty soon I shall move on beyond the veils of the dying sun
And onwards into the fringes of lightlessness
Towards the darkness that may or may not promise a second daylight
As I find my well dried up and dusty again…

Yes, my time is still long, I know that already
But would it promise me a second dawn?
Would I still be returning to the place
Where I began my walk, at the end of my walk?

Or would I have reached a far greater world
That I could’ve only imagined without me realising it?
Perhaps there are some questions
That is best left unmentioned, or unanswered!

But what about the wisdom of experience?
What have I learnt so far that had kept me wishing?
Wishing that I could return to the beginning to start it all over again?
Why am I still feeling this way?

Maybe, maybe there are no more reasons left for us to grieve anymore
Maybe I did reach the end of the sky not long ago
With the only option left for me is to move upward forevermore
Perhaps it is best for me to stop holding the sky from changing for once
To prevent the twilight from disappearing with my youth for all eternity?
And perhaps it is best for me to move on forevermore

And perhaps, once I’ve fully embraced my adulthood
I would know, where all my roads would lead me from here…

THE SIGN OF SHAIRO
2004